Thanks to the eminent cartoonist, Jules Feiffer, my favorite all time athlete is, probably, Harold Swerg. Read on. May 12: The Greatest Athlete of Them All Was… The boys were sitting around recently talking on the subject of the greatest athlete of all time. Jim Thorpe, Jim Brown, Bob Mathias, Bob Toomey and Jackie Robinson were mentioned prominently. John Havlicek, Babe Ruth and Willie Mays got a call.Then somebody recalled the story of Harold Swerg. Harold Swerg could hit a baseball farther than any man alive. He could kick a football farther than any man alive. And he could run the mile faster than any man alive. Harold Swerg could do anything. Only he wouldn't.
He just wanted to go on making his living as a filing clerk. He said, "The sports business doesn't present a challenge. The filing-clerk business presents a challenge. Someday I may make bookkeeper." This angered people. They said Harold Swerg "won't play the game." No matter what they said, Harold Swerg told them to leave him alone. He wouldn't play. And that was where things stood until the new Olympics were announced and Russia was said to have its greatest team ever. It had someone who could kick a football farther, someone who could run a mile faster. There came a special appeal from the President of the U.S. The President said to Harold Swerg, "Do you want us to lose?" And Harold answered, "So that's what's bothering everybody. What's wrong with losing? It's only a game. Losing is just the other side of winning." Nobody liked that. People booed and hissed. They burned Olympic torches on his lawn. Even the Russians called him names. They said Harold was "chicken." Then suddenly one day, Harold Swerg changed his mind. He said, "All right, I'll play." The news was electrifying. People shouted in the streets, "Swerg will play." Both political parties claimed credit for Swerg's change of heart. When the Games began the first event was who could hit a baseball farther. The Russian (People's Farthest Baseball Hero Smedyakov) went first. He hit the ball 912 feet, six inches. Harold Swerg hit second: 912 feet, six inches. A tie. The next event was the football kick. The Russian (People's Hero Kicker Brosnokopski) went first: 310 yards, four feet, one inch. Harold Swerg went second: 310 yards, four feet, one inch. A tie. Grumblings of discontent went through the crowd. The last event was the mile. Harold faced People's Fastest Hero Runner Alive Kchaweshkov. They ran nose to nose the entire race. They finished together. A dead heat. Incredible. People didn't like it. Swerg was called before the judges. They said, "Harold Swerg, you were not giving your all." Harold Swerg answered indignantly, "I certainly was." ` "Then why didn't you win," the judges demanded. "Winning doesn't take my all," said Harold. "Equaling takes my all." The judges were flabbergasted. They stared at Harold. He said, "Let's see you try to kick a football exactly 310 yards, four feet, one inch." But the judges just didn't understand. Harold walked away with a pleasant look on his face. "It was quite a challenge. I wasn't sure I could do it." He called back to the judges, "Anybody who wants any records equaled, come on around." But nobody did, because nobody was interested in having records equaled. So they left Harold Swerg alone. Which was just the way he wanted it. The fellow who told the story of Harold Swerg said he had heard it from a man named Jules Feiffer, who draws those great cartoons and who writes stories and plays. When the guys heard this, they scoffed-just as the judges did with Harold Swerg. They said Harold Sweerg didn't count because he was only a character made up by Jules Feiffer. But I sometimes wonder if Feiffer's characters aren't more meaningful than many real people. Whenever people talk about great athletes-Dempsey and Musial and Russell and the rest-I'll think about Harold Swerg. Anything they could do, I'm sure Harold Swerg could have equaled. If he wanted to.
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A tie is just a graceful way of losing. |
12. Fun and Games 
